Considering divorce and separation is very common in our “modernised” world. As painful as this time might feel, it’s not all bad though, even though it might feel that way! In fact it’s actually quite a normal part of most relationships. Many relationships go through this stage at one time or another. So don’t feel alone. But you don’t have to just walk away. There are definitely things you can do to rebuild your relationship so you can experience a renewed sense of love and connection.
In fact, the truth is that people who have been at this point in their relationship and have then put in the energy and done the necessary work to turn their relationships around, often end up finding that their relationships are stronger, more supportive, more nurturing and much more satisfying than their original relationship ever felt!
When people tell me that they’re considering divorce or separation, it’s obvious that there’s so much water under the bridge that it just feels like there’s no point continuing. People imagine that being away from their current situation would be so much better than where they currently are.
Unfortunately the statistics show us that this “imagined peace for the future” isn’t necessarily the reality. Dr Jay Haley, one of the founders of family and relationship counselling, is actually quoted to have said:
“If you want to have the worst relationship of your life…
then leave the one you’re in!”
Yes, you read that right! He wasn’t saying that by staying in your relationship you’ll have the worst relationship of your life. He was actually saying that unless you’ve actively worked through your relationship issues before you leave, then chances are, you’ll re-create a similar relationship again with someone else.
Naturally this doesn’t mean that all relationships are “keepers”. There are definitely some relationships that are best ended. But the best thing you can do for yourself and for your family is to do the work together and make sure that you’re making the “right decision” by leaving your current relationship. Otherwise you will end up by creating a relationship that is even worse.
And disappointing as it might seem, this is absolutely backed up by marriage and divorce statistics, which show us that the failure rate of second (and subsequent) marriages is far greater than the failure rate of first marriages.
Anyway, if you’re at this point and there are things in your relationship that are holding you back then the best thing you can do is decide today to put energy into working through the issues in your relationship or marriage once and for all. And the best way to do this is through marriage counselling or couple counselling. This way, at least you’ll know (for sure) whether there’s any possibility of salvaging your relationship and creating the life together that you actually want! You’ll then be able to make clear and conscious choices about exactly what you need to do next.
There is so much that you can do to turn your relationship around. And naturally, when you’ve been involved/vested in the relationship for so long, it’s hard to see how or what you can do. But wouldn’t it be worth at least doing everything you can right now, so that you know with 100% certainty, that you’ve done absolutely everything you possibly can to fix it?
DISCLAIMER: Naturally if there is any type of abuse or violence in your relationship then you need to talk to a professional immediately because you cannot tolerate violence or abuse in a relationship or marriage. Violence or abuse are definitely “not okay” at any time in a relationship or in the family!